Honestly

Scars run deep.

We laugh them off.

Is it better to laugh than cry?

Tears must be explained, laughs can just be skipped past.

Everything is fine. Honestly.

Honestly I'm a liar.

More please

"You look like your not having any fun"

...Thanks that statement helped things... "No this is fun, I'm having fun" ...maybe a cheesy smile will help...

"You're just smiling this fake smile and pretending to dance"

Well I guess that didn't help.


Drinks help people forget the lives they are running from. We all only have one. I wouldn't wanna have to say I spent part of mine in some basement bar singing karaoke like that guy...yeah he thinks he's the shit. Although I am here listening...

The choices people make flash by my eyes and stick to my thoughts. We're all made for so much more than this. They don't see. Or don't care? If we all were more than we thought we could be...my thoughts trail off. This idealistic thought seems stupid since I can't even live it out. Inner conflict stirred within and I guess it showed on my face.

More please.

Could that be God's plea for all of us? It would help Him I'm sure, but I think it would be mostly for us.

These thoughts ran though my head and I was still surprised when someone caught me having all that fun.

Glances

We see each other across the room and run into each other's arms. We squeeze tightly. It's been so long. We take a step back and glance into each other's eyes. "Tell me about your life", I hear myself say.

This day is not today.

I dread this day. Part of me will be gone. I'll glimpse the part of me that's missing, if only for a second, in his eyes. It may be there, but it's not active...
Not living...

That was a stupid place to keep that piece of me.

Unspoken & undone

        The road twists and turns. There are so many cars out for this late at night. Gravel takes over where the pavement has just run out. I glance at the man next to me. So many words stick to my lips. Words that rush though my head with surprising speed...shouldn't this speed help them fly out? Speaking out in anger isn't a good idea. I'd rather be anywhere then here. Or with anyone else rather.
       Cars rush by us now. Speeding. The silence stings the air between us. Blinding headlights shine on our faces. He's knows we are not cool. He also knows I'll let it go. Be back to myself tomorrow. No need for an unpleasant confrontation.

      

 Words that should be spoken die an early death.

  
       Sorry is a nice thing to hear. It had reached my ears 20 minutes earlier. Sorry is nicer when it's said with actions. I know his actions will repeat themselves; and these actions don't spell sorry. "One of my best friends always reminds me that actions speak louder than words. Your actions are telling me that you don't care. That this friendship only matters when it's convenient. Oh yeah you're the one that always tells me that about actions." These are my thoughts. This response never reached his ears.
       

The longer I travel on the this road the more unsure I am of the destination.

        Every time a car passes it makes the tall grass shiver producing an eerie whispering. As if the grass is talking about us. Suddenly I realize I don't know where we are. What an evening to get lost together.

Missing it

I walk in, sit down, and look around. Maybe this won't be as bad as I've been expecting. Knowledge is power right? But those who acquire power end up with responsibility. I don't like this idea.

Yeah, I definitely don't want to be here.

My classmates are scattered throughout the auditorium, people I recognize and who recognize me, but we really don't care about each other. They've got enough other people in their lives to think about besides me. I can't blame them. I feel the same way.

"Okay everyone settle down! We are going to get started now."

Everyone shuffles to their seats. I glance at the clock.

"As you all know we are here tonight at this workshop to talk about AIDs. Who can tell me what they know about AIDs?"

Hands shoot up across the room. Questions get answered and the two instructors try to enlighten the 100ish people in the room. We're all learning now.

A hand goes up at the back of the room. It belongs to a man from my class. If you've seen Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite then you've seen this man. He'd like to impart his knowledge to the discussion leaders. They've been doing this 20+ years and are HIV positive, but still they've forgotten something, something he knows that they don't. It's a good thing he came.

"It's up to you to encourage your at risk friends to get tested."
A face pops into my head. This face is the reason I didn't want to come. The reason I don't want to know.

"If you're presented with a situation where unsafe sex is an option you have other choices. Someone shout out your favorite body part."

An overzealous man shouts "BOOTY!!"

"Okay now everyone shout out things you could do with this that doesn't involve actually having sex."
The room goes wild. Apparently this is the chance people have been waiting for.

"Squeeze it!!"
"SPANK IT!"
"Bite it!!!"
"RRRIIIDDEEE IIITTTT!!!!!"
"Smell it"   <-- Some things I just really don't get...
"Kiss it!"

......hmmm.....

Oh education.

"Don't forget your free goodies on the way out. Remember times are hard so don't take more than you need."

I walk out of that building feeling we are all missing it. It's flying by our faces so close we can feel it as it passes by, yet still we miss it.

A blog on a blog

I should be sleeping. That was the plan. However once an idea gets in my head there's really no resting until it's done. Tonight's idea? Start a blog. This idea isn't completely new, I've thought about it before and quickly dismissed it. The idea for this tonight wasn't completely mine...okay it wasn't mine at all. A friend put the idea in my head and then the idea unpacked it's bags and decided to stay awhile. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it, and the more bad first blog ideas started flying through my brain. These ideas took up my thoughts for quite awhile. Every idea that entered my head got quickly shot down. Trying to think up an interesting blog topic is harder than it would seem.